To my Baby Girl,
You have finally arrived after months of torturous waiting. I wish I could welcome you into this world with a letter better than this one. It breaks my heart to even write this out. But I should, in case you ever ask why I couldn’t stay.
You are everything I never wanted. But still, here you are. So it is only fair that I say good-bye.
The nine months that you were inside me I did nothing but pray.
I prayed to God to provide me with enough strength, so that when I hold you I don’t cringe.
I prayed to God to create in me some love for you, so that when you cry in my arms I find it to be musical.
I prayed to God to make me feel joy, so that when your clenched fists reached up to rub your half open eyes they would give me a peek into the secrets of the universe.
But he didn’t answer.
You were presented to me bundled up in that white blanket with blue stripes. The nurse who was holding you had the had the widest smile on her face. She asked me if I had thought of a name yet. I didn’t respond. I was still hoping she wasn’t really standing there and you hadn’t just come out of me.
The nurse proceeded to put you in my lap without asking me if I want to you hold you. I flinched at her touch and it alarmed her. When I held you close I couldn’t help but smile. I was overwhelmed because you were healthy, breathing, and breathtakingly beautiful. And then that was it. Everything around me slowly began to fade away.
I could feel my face contort in disgust as I continued to look at you. I won’t lie, I didn’t even try to hide the repulsion I felt. My soul went back to screaming because those deep hazel eyes, the way you looked up at me, and the sound of your heartbeat – reminded me of the man who violated, tortured, and raped me.
So I am sorry baby girl I have to leave you. I can’t love you. And I may not even deserve your love for bringing you into this mad, mad world.
Your tiny hands that are yet to unclench and the tiny feet that are yet to take their first steps hold the power to change the world. One day I will come across you walking down the street, hand in hand with your lover. Be able to instantly recognise a part of me, I am now leaving behind. And I will be content knowing that your destiny wasn’t altered because I refused to love you.
I want to call you mine but I’m afraid I won’t ever love you with all my love.
When you are older and wiser than your mama, you may be able to understand why I had to leave.
I would have hated you if I stayed and I would’ve hated myself I stayed and came to love you.
The mother who
couldn’t didn’t want to be yours.